The great Chassidic Rebbe, Reb Yisroel of Vizhnitz would take a walk every evening with his attendant. One night they walked towards the home of a non observant, wealthy banker. Without any explanation he knocked on the door of the banker’s home. Seeing the venerable sage at his front door the banker respectfully ushered the rabbi in and gave him a chair. The Rebbe accepted and sat silently. The banker felt it disrespectful to initiate the conversation so he leaned over to the Rebbe’s attendant and quietly asked him what the Rebbe had come for. The attendant answered that he had no idea! Politely the banker sat there and waited for the Rebbe to say something. The silence continued and after a while the Rebbe stood up to leave. Out of respect the banker escorted the Rebbe all the way back to his home. The banker could no longer contain himself and asked the Rebbe what he had come for. The Rebbe answered, “I came to perform a mitzvah. Our sages teach us ‘Just as it is a mitzvah to say something that will be listened to, so too is it a mitzvah not to say something that will not be listened to.’ Now I can’t fulfill the mitzvah of not saying something that you would not listen to by sitting in my house without you so I came to your house and didn’t say what would not be listened to!”

“But Rebbe,” said the banker. “Perhaps I will listen.”

“I’m positive you won’t listen,” said the Rebbe.

The man’s curiosity was burning and he begged the Rebbe to tell him.

“Alright,” said the Rebbe. “Mrs. A is a poor widow and she cannot meet the mortgage payments on her house. The bank is about to foreclose on her house and put her into the street. I would have asked you to forgo the loan but I didn’t because it’s a mitzvah not to say something that will not be listened to.” Incredulously the banker said, “How can I forgo the loan? It’s not my money and besides it’s a huge amount…”

“I told you, you wouldn’t listen!” interrupted the Rebbe. With this they parted ways. The Rebbe’s words penetrated the heart of the banker and he paid up the remainder of the widow’s mortgage with his own money.

Successful rebuke is an art. It has to be delivered in the most effective way.

In this week’s parsha the Torah tells us that Moshe spoke to the Jewish people, “after he had smitten Sichon, king of the Amorite, who dwelt in Cheshbon, and Og, king of the Bashan, who dwelt in Ashtaroth, in Edrei.” Rashi comments that the Torah is teaching us Moshe’s approach to admonishing the people. If he were to have rebuked them at an earlier stage they might have responded negatively and said, “What good has he done for us? All he does is find a pretext against us since he does not have the power to take us into the land!” Therefore he waited until he conquered Sichon and Og and took their land as the first land acquisition of the Jewish people. Moshe understood that rebuke has to be calculated. He waited for an opportune time so that the people should feel that his criticism was for their benefit.

Rabbi Avraham Twerski, M.D. writes about his father’s method of discipline. If he disapproved of his son’s behavior he would shake his head and say (in Yiddish), “Es pahst nisht”- this isn’t becoming of you. In other words, “You’re too good to be behaving like that!” In this way he elevated his son’s self esteem and disciplined him at the same time.

Rabbi Avraham Pam zt’l related that the father of a student of his who was an accomplished Torah scholar, approached him at the yeshiva and inquired about his son’s progress. Rabbi Pam responded that the boy was bright but was not applying himself to his studies as he should. The father immediately called his son over. Rabbi Pam was sure that the boy would receive a good tongue lashing. Instead, the father spoke to his son in a gentle tone and said, “Your rebbi tells me that you are doing quite well. Just a little more effort and you’ll be excellent!” The boy walked away feeling very pleased and eventually developed into an accomplished Torah scholar himself.

May we merit to see nachas from effective rebuke!

Shabbat Shalom!
Yitzchak